1: Loretta and her Evil Twin Lucretia—
how can you tell the difference?
Except Lucretia doesn’t have eyes because
she doesn’t have a soul. But she can still
blind you with a halo and wings upon her
Angels come disguised as beggars,
the Devil is a woman, and beggars
can’t be Queens. And why don’t
angels have horns? Is it because devils
are afflicted by horniness? Inside every
dog is a wolf raging to be free, and inside
every wolf is a Chihuahua! Hail PRIMORDIA!
But, Boss, I heard
bread Boy is
all you can
do is throw
That’s not Gingerbread
Boy! That’s his Evil
How can you tell the
2: Gingerbread Boy
You have raisins for eyes
What do you see
You have dough for a head
What do you think of
You have a peanut for a nose
Does that peanut help you
to sniff out the Hohos?
You have decorative icing for a mouth
Do you ever speak the truth
or does only sugar come out?
You only have Juicy Fruits for hands
It must be kind of sticky when you keyboard
You once had a chocolate chip for a heart
but it didn’t make it into the oven
because I stuffed it in my mouth
We neglected your manhood
and this understandably has made you very angry
so you compensate by driving a big old truck
and fighting your pit bull
and pushing Gingerbread Girl around until she’s all sqooshed-up
You’re not made out of Playdough
and I’d wish you get it through your Gingerbread head
that one day you’re going to be eaten
Oh if only I had raisins for eyes
I too could be a Gingerbread Boy
Oh if only my head was made of Gingerbread
I too could be a Gingerbread Boy
Oh if I could only have a nut for a nose
Juicy Fruit hands
and a chocolate chip heart
Oh if I only had decorative icing for a mouth
I would smile and say nice things to people
all the time
But I’m not made out of Gingerbread
so all I can do is bloat myself up on Gingerale
Why is that Gingerbread Boy who could have sweet
was so dysfunctional?
And why was that the boy who dreamed
of being a Gingerbread Boy
had to be sent to rehab instead
when all he wanted was to do
was be a Gingerbread Boy?
you took in
“‘Off with his head!’”
said the Queen!”
and you chomped his
“‘Drawn and quartered!’”
and you gleefully
turned your Gingerbread
into a paraplegic—
then a quad, laughingly
biting off his arms
and then his
And all that
and his nethers
and you said
“Do a little belly
dance in my
I mean real hot dog pickle relish!
That’s the part that really barfed
me out, Lucretia, putting hot dog
relish on your Gingerbread Boy
and then trying to play it off like
it was just the pot and you were stoned!
I was just as stoned as you, Lucretia,
but you didn’t see me putting hot dog
relish on my Gingerbread Boy!
And then all that
and you polished
that off, too,
with yet another lame jest—
“And that’s the end of Gingerbread Boy!”
Then we smoked another and got even more stoned
and watched TV
and you told me how much you loved me
and you put your hand on my thigh
and you propositioned me
and I said,
“No thank you, Lucretia!
No thank you, ma’am!
I don’t want to
be your little Gingerbread
4: And we got even more stoned
and I dropped the roach
and got down on my knees to find it
and Lucretia said, “What are you trying to
do down there? Are you trying to
look at my panties?”
And I said, “No, I’m looking for the roach.
I’m not trying to look at your panties!”
I was scared to…Josh had told me that Lucretia
had an arrow tattooed on her belly
and it pointed to her vagina
and in big black and red and green letters
it said “P-U-S-S-Y” in all caps
and she had this great big grinning
skull tattooed around it
and it was like its mouth was her…
And Lucretia said, “It’s a good thing because
The Universe doesn’t wear panties!”
5: Lucretia jerked me up off the floor and she turned me over her knee.
Anad as she began spanking me,
Lucretia sang this little song:
“I’m spanking the bear!
Yeah, I’m into spanking bears!
I’m gonna spank Yogi!
Gonna spank Boo Boo, too!
Yeah, I spank Care Bears!
Without a care!
I spank Gummi Bears, too!
Although they make my hands get sticky!
I spank the Bernstein Bears!
I spank the Chicago Bears!
I shake ‘em out of the trees and spank ‘em!
Smokey said don’t play with matches so just to get even I spanked Smokey
till I started a fire in his tookie!
Yeah, he was a wild one!
Smokey scared all the mountain men!
But by the time I got through with Smokey,
they called him Gentle Ben!
I spanked Winnie the Pooh,
‘Cause I caught his paw in the honey jar!
You better watch your hind-end,
Mister Big Fat Hairy Butt,
Or I’ll be spanking you, too!”