Konch Magazine - Gingerbread Boy by David Magdalene

David Madgalene


Gingerbread Boy


1: Loretta and her Evil Twin Lucretia—

how can you tell the difference?

Except Lucretia doesn’t have eyes because

she doesn’t have a soul. But she can still

blind you with a halo and wings upon her


Angels come disguised as beggars,

the Devil is a woman, and beggars

can’t be Queens. And why don’t

angels have horns? Is it because devils

are afflicted by horniness? Inside every

dog is a wolf raging to be free, and inside

every wolf is a Chihuahua! Hail PRIMORDIA!


It looks

like another

job for




But, Boss, I heard


            bread Boy is

            like an



            all you can

            do is throw

            more money

            at him!


That’s not Gingerbread

Boy! That’s his Evil

Twin—Evil Ginger-

bread Boy!


How can you tell the



                        YOU CAN’T!




2: Gingerbread Boy

You have raisins for eyes

What do you see

Gingerbread Boy?


Gingerbread Boy

You have dough for a head

What do you think of

besides Gingerbread?


Gingerbread Boy

You have a peanut for a nose

Does that peanut help you

            to sniff out the Hohos?


Gingerbread Boy

You have decorative icing for a mouth

Do you ever speak the truth

or does only sugar come out?


Gingerbread Boy

You only have Juicy Fruits for hands

It must be kind of sticky when you keyboard


Gingerbread Boy

You once had a chocolate chip for a heart

but it didn’t make it into the oven

because I stuffed it in my mouth


Gingerbread Boy

We neglected your manhood

and this understandably has made you very angry

so you compensate by driving a big old truck

and fighting your pit bull

and pushing Gingerbread Girl around until she’s all sqooshed-up


Gingerbread Boy

You’re not made out of Playdough

and I’d wish you get it through your Gingerbread head

that one day you’re going to be eaten


Oh if only I had raisins for eyes

I too could be a Gingerbread Boy

Oh if only my head was made of Gingerbread

I too could be a Gingerbread Boy

Oh if I could only have a nut for a nose

Juicy Fruit hands

and a chocolate chip heart

Oh if I only had decorative icing for a mouth

I would smile and say nice things to people

            all the time


But I’m not made out of Gingerbread

so all I can do is bloat myself up on Gingerale

Why is that Gingerbread Boy who could have sweet

            was so dysfunctional?

And why was that the boy who dreamed

of being a Gingerbread Boy

had to be sent to rehab instead

when all he wanted was to do

was be a Gingerbread Boy?


                                    3: Lucretia,

                                                the excess

                                                    of delight

                                                you took in

                                                  the eating

                                                     of your




                                                “‘Off with his head!’”

                                                       said the Queen!”

                                                            you said

                                                    and you chomped his

                                                                        head off!


                                                “‘Drawn and quartered!’”

                                                            you shouted

                                                    and you gleefully

                                                   turned your Gingerbread


                                                           into a paraplegic—


                                                      then a quad, laughingly


                                                            biting off his arms

                                                               and then his



                                                                And all that

                                                                       was left



                                                            Gingerbread Boy’s


                                                                and his nethers


                                                                and you said


                                                               “Do a little belly

                                                                    dance in my


                                                                  Gingerbread Boy!”


                                                                        And you


                                                                            his belly     

                                                                        with relish—

                                                            I mean real hot dog pickle relish!

                                                             That’s the part that really barfed

                                                             me out, Lucretia, putting hot dog

                                                               relish on your Gingerbread Boy

                                                              and then trying to play it off like

                                                           it was just the pot and you were stoned!

                                                            I was just as stoned as you, Lucretia,

                                                              but you didn’t see me putting hot dog

                                                                   relish on my Gingerbread Boy!


                                                                       And then all that

                                                                              was left


                                                                        was Gingerbread

                                                                             Boy’s butt


                                                                        and you polished

                                                                              that off, too,  

                                                                    with yet another lame jest—


                                                       “And that’s the end of Gingerbread Boy!”


                                                Then we smoked another and got even more stoned

                                                                                    and watched TV

                                                            and you told me how much you loved me

                                                                  and you put your hand on my thigh

                                                                        and you propositioned me


                                                                        and I said,

                                                                        “No thank you, Lucretia!

                                                                          No thank you, ma’am!

                                                                               I don’t want to    

                                                                                be your little Gingerbread




                                    4: And we got even more stoned

                                                and I dropped the roach

                                                and got down on my knees to find it

                                                and Lucretia said, “What are you trying to

                                                            do down there? Are you trying to

                                                                        look at my panties?”


                                                And I said, “No, I’m looking for the roach.

                                                I’m not trying to look at your panties!”


                                                I was scared to…Josh had told me that Lucretia

                                                            had an arrow tattooed on her belly

                                                            and it pointed to her vagina

                                                            and in big black and red and green letters

                                                            it said “P-U-S-S-Y” in all caps

                                                            and she had this great big grinning

                                                            skull tattooed around it

                                                            and it was like its mouth was her…


                                                And Lucretia said, “It’s a good thing because

                                                            The Universe doesn’t wear panties!”


                                    5: Lucretia jerked me up off the floor                                                                         and she turned me over her knee.

                                                Anad as she began spanking me,

                                                Lucretia sang this little song:


                                                            “I’m spanking the bear!

                                                              Yeah, I’m into spanking bears!

                                                              I’m gonna spank Yogi!

                                                              Gonna spank Boo Boo, too!

                                      Yeah, I spank Care Bears!

                                                Without a care!

                                                               I spank Gummi Bears, too!

                                                              Although they make my hands get sticky!

                                                               I spank the Bernstein Bears!

                                                               I spank the Chicago Bears! 

                                                               I shake ‘em out of the trees and spank ‘em!           

                                                               Smokey said don’t play with matches                                                                                               so just to get even I spanked Smokey

                                                               till I started a fire in his tookie!

                                                               Yeah, he was a wild one!

                                                               Smokey scared all the mountain men!        

                                                               But by the time I got through with Smokey,

                                                               they called him Gentle Ben!

                                                               I spanked Winnie the Pooh,

                                                               ‘Cause I caught his paw in the honey jar!

                                                               You better watch your hind-end,

                                                               Mister Big Fat Hairy Butt,

                                                               Or I’ll be spanking you, too!”