Konch Magazine - Cops Fly on the Wall by Ishmael Reed

 Fly On The Wall:


Scene: Bar named The Bad Apple, Staten Island.


(Some of the cops are at the bar. Others seated. Lots of chatter. Two or three?cops at the bar are talking.)


Cop 1: So I told the fucking ape, as long as you dealing drugs on my beat brother man, you’re

            gonna have to share the loot with me.

Cop #?: And what did the nigger say?

Cop 2: He gave me some lip so I smacked the soul brother in the mouth with my nightstick. You

            should have seen the blood. He said please don’t hit me no mo’. (They laugh.)

Cop 1: Somethin’ like that happened to me. I had to pistol whip this pimp. Said he thought that

we had an agreement that I would come only once a week to screw his girls.

Cop 1: What did you say?

Cop #?: I said I could come anytime I damned please, bitch and because of that I hiked the

            percentage the fucker has to pay each week.

(The bartender quiets them. He points to the TV. Heads swing toward the box. Bulletin. Below is CNN’s call letters. Newscaster Don Himbo.)

Don Himbo: Here’s a bulletin that’s just been handed to me. A grand jury has decided not to

charge officer Palenteo with the murder of Eric Garner

(Cops cheer. Start buying each other drinks.)

Cop #?: Way to go Palenteo

Don Himbo: We now bring in one of our many ex law enforcement analysts to comment on this

decision. Part of our plan to hire every policeman who has retired from the NYPD. Here’s retired policeman….

Ex Cop: The decision was the correct one to my eyes. The man was selling loose cigarettes. He

broke the law. And so the whole business began with his disregard for the law. He brought it on himself. And if the mayor, the president and Al Sharpton would just butt out, things would go harmoniously between the police and the minority community.

Don Himbo: So how do we end the evil practice of selling loose cigarettes?

Ex Cop: We have to be firm.

(Cops in the bar nod.)

Don Himbo: You are so very wise. After this interview can I get down on my hands and knees

            and lick your shoes.

Ex Cop: Thank you. That would be a delight. But you’d better concentrate your tongue on the

            left shoe. I think that I might have stepped into some dogshit with the other one.

(A Cop mocks Garner’s plea. Puts hands around his neck. “I can’t breathe.” Cops find this hilarious. Scream with laughter. Others pick up the chant, “I can’t breathe.” Mayor De Blasio comes on the screen. Loud boos.)

Cop #?: Isn’t his nigger wife a crack ho?

Cop #?: The motherfucker is an embarrassment to white people. I’d like to put a choke hold on

 this white jungle bunny.

Cop:Palento said it wasn’t a choke hold.It was a wrestling move. ( the laughter is so loud those engaged in conversation can hardly hear themselves).

Cop: Well what was Daniel supposed to do,big fucking Godzilla nigger.He was three times the size of- (Giuliani appears on the screen. Whistles, Applause.)

Cop:Maybe killing this gorilla will discourage any more of them from moving to Staten Island.

Cop: My wife’s sister was on the grand jury and she said that when the guy who made the video came to testify nobody paid him any attention.A fucking greaser,

Cop: They arrested both him and his wife.

Cop: They got what they deserved interfering with an arrest.

Cop: Next time one of them records me with a camera and I’m going to take that camera and stick up their asses.

Cop: You sound like Palenteo ,he’s always patting niggers on their asses. Had those two black guys strip and he started playing with their dicks. In broad daylight with a crowd looking on.He showed them.

Cop: City had to pay the niggers thirty five thousand doillars.(Bar goes silent as Commissioner Bratton appears on the screen.His implementation of “Stop and Frisk,” and

“Broken Windows” contributed to Eric Garner’s death).

Bratton: “the police, they’re being used as the whipping boy, if you will for a much larger societal issues that we’re not ready or willing to grapple with because of the huge economic cost to address it.”

Cop: I’ll drink to that.( Cops lift their bottles).